Alban's Journal 001: Have you Ever Been Coup-de-Grace'd?

Dear Journal,

    Who knew that Kobolds were so fucking STUPID? Like, downright freaking off the handle retarded? I just finished convincing a horde of them that I was a prophet of Tiamat, and then I killed their leader and nobody even says a fucking word! I mean, if Tiamat sent a prophet, it'd OBVIOUSLY be a Dragonborn. Or just a fucking Dragon, even! Like, really.

    On to business, though. This morning I woke up in jail. I didn't remember what the dicks was going on for a while, but then I remembered that I was in here for sodomizing some orphans Livy can't see this, I'll write something else. For saving some innocents. Yeah, that's it. Anyways, I was about five seconds from leaving the jail with all of my shit all quiet like when outta fuckin' nowhere BOOM RICKETS THROUGH THE WALL like some kind of fucking beast. So, even though I was going to spare the guard, he decides to fuck everything up and just break the guy's neck and make a necklace out of his teeth. I'm not even speaking figuratively, he really made a necklace from the guy's teeth. After that, Rickets left through the wall-hole and I just fucking used the door. Moron.

    When we got back to the church (After evading some other guards and meeting up with my good bro, Sam) we told Livy some crazy bullshit story about me getting brutalized or something, I don't really remember. But in any case, she made us some soup and Rickets was sad because he can't eat. Pussy.

    So in the middle of the only good god-damned meal I've had in like a week, this stupid fucking moron derps his way into the church, spewing some shit about a family's daughter getting killed, and then he said something about a powerful and valuable magic item, and how it was in the ruins. So, fuck saving that poor innocent family, they can wait. Let's go steal some valuables!

    We headed out to the ruins and got detained on the road by these freaking Kobolds and a Wolf, but we got them to all pussy out. Then we waited a while for me to charge my daily. Then, once again, we got in a fucking fight. I didn't notice because I was in the bushes "charging another spell". So I hear all my buds yelling shit and fighting so I take out the Horn of Gondor and just fuckin' VWWWVWWWWWVWVWVWVWVWVWVWVVWVWVWVWVVWVWVW GONDOR CALLS FOR AID! GONDOR CALLS FOR AID! So then this guard comes and tries to save our ass but the fighting was already over.

    After we finished lounging around on the road doing fuck all for 14 hours, we actually got to the ruins, which is twice as far as I expected us to get. Turns out they weren't actually all too ruinous. They had big doors and everything. No door is a match for Rickets, though. Nonetheless, there were some Kobolds being a big happy family and eating a meal together, so we shit on their parade and brutally murdered them all. I think Rickets even tore one of their arms off.  Nonetheless, we then unclothed the bodies and are going to sell the clothes. So we waited for a little while to heal up and take a break and more Kobolds showed up, who we brutally murdered.

    We went down some stairs and then I died. I fell down the stairs and somebody clubbed me in the face, and then slit my neck while I was still out, the dirty cowards. After Rickets and Livy killed my slayers with the help of Sam, they backed out of the ruins and resurrected me, which was good. Afterwards, we sold our stuff and went back to the ruins, which brings me to the first paragraph of this journal entry.

    Who knew Kobolds were so fucking stupid that prestidigitation could be so useful?! It must first be explained that I can speak Supernal. It's just a little something I picked up in my travels. So I, being the fucking genius that I am, put together that, being speakers of Draconic and lovers of wealth and shines, Kobolds like Tiamat. Conveniently, I happened to know one of Tiamat's speeches, so I recited it. I then prestidigitated my robes into being gold-looking, and then I put a symbol of Tiamat on the floor in front of the Kobolds. I walk into the room and they're all kneeling, so I spew some bullshit about me being the Prophet of Tiamat and then bring their leader into the back room with Rickets in tow. Then, Livy and Sam walked into the main room and did some shit, while I asked the Kobold Leader about where all the fucking shiny lewt was. He just pointed to that thing and made a stupid face and then, in this god-awful tone, "It's a trap!"

    The artifact was on an altar surrounded by what was clearly quicksand, so Rickets just plows through it and PLUNK doors shut, room fills with gas. Being the fucking genius I am, I prestidigitate another artifact and replace the old one and tell the Kobold Leader, "Sleep, child." and then I cast Sleep and slit his throat. After that, Rickets starts pounding on the door trying to break it, which apparently, a locked door with screaming behind it and pounding apparently didn't help Livy to understand that she was SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR. What a stupid bitch.

    Anyways, I Ghost Sound as loud as a fucking Earthquake Dragon, "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR FOR FUCK'S SAKE," and apparently that helped clue the broad in. So Sam, being not a complete moron, picks the lock and we all get the fuck out while running faster than the Vrock chasing a kobold. So we're walking down the road, fighting over the Artifact, henceforth known as the Prism and wait what the fuck is that a dragon?!